if you’re reading this even though you probably aren’t, I haven’t been able to talk to you with a very clear head for a long time now. For some reason I get so filled up with so many different emotions and so many jumbled and confused thoughts when I try that I end up hurting you and myself. I’ve reflected and I’ve calmed myself down to really think about things in a more normal/less clouded perspective. And thats one of the things i’ve noticed and one of the reasons we can’t be friends at this time. because I would never be able to talk to you directly without spitting things that I don’t actually mean and that aren’t actually true. I almost forgot how much I wanted to protect you and how much I wanted you to be really happy because of my clouded view on our relationship, to the point where I became almost dependent on you relaxing me. I was so confused and it probably doesn’t make any sense how i’m explaining this but basically I felt so intense with an overrun of emotions. I also know that if I ever see you or talk to you when i’m at this state I might spiral into it again and hurt both of us again.
It probably doesn’t make any more sense but I was filled with all anger sadness anxiousness confusion and a lot of other shit I can’t even explain. I hope you know that despite what you might think, I appreciated every bit of what we had and will always cherish it as something very precious; you will always have a piece of me and i’ll always have a piece of you. and that gives me a weird sense of peace. I’ll always remember you in a positive light, regardless of what you remember me as.
But besides that, I really wanted to wish you luck. not in the ‘ohh this will get to him’ or in the cynical way you probably think I am. in all honesty you probably won’t ever see this message! but I want to make this as genuinely as I could from my clear mind right now, and I immensely wish, from the bottom of my heart that I wish you luck and wish the best blessings to you. I hope you take care of yourself and work really hard on your studies because you deserve every bit of it. I also hope you make the best decisions for yourself in the future!
I forgot how fragile you are (or were, I meant before you got help) and all the memories of plans I would make to help you and get you better from when you were sick. I would literally write notes on my phone to myself on ways to help raise your self esteem (very nerdy I realize). And I forgot all of that, all of the times I thought it was my duty to carry you up from certain lows you were having and how dedicated I was and optimistic I was that you’ll be more optimistic, and I never got to fully realize that yay! you’re getting the real (professional, not amateur me) help! And I don’t think I fully congratulated you because I was so preoccupied with whatever emotional shit I was going through. But I never got to say it so i’m gonna say that I am so proud and so amazed by how strong I knew you were.
But like I said before, oddly and in a scary way, I almost forgot that part of our relationship happened, and I became more selfish and that lead other crazy emotions to seep into my scalp.
All in all, I am not/was not in the right frame of mind to be in your life and that’s also why I can’t see you or talk to you even as a friend any time soon. I’m not meant to be in your life right now and you’re not meant to be in mine, and that’s okay. Maybe our paths will cross one day and maybe things will be different in the future!
you learn from everyone; from teachers, friends, lovers, strangers. and you have so much more to learn and so many more people who will be important aspects of your life and who will drift away again, and that’s okay. You learn and you love so deeply and then you learn more, you learn about the world and yourself and all the positive and all the negative and how even though people decide not to stay, and even though you chose to distance yourself from certain ones you love, there’s a reason for it, there’s a reason for all of it.
I haven’t been myself at all and I can’t recognize certain aspects of who I am too much, but in a strange way- maybe this was good for me. everyone drifts off from who they are once in a while and then they drift back to themselves again. and that’s normal. It shows who is truly meant to stay in your life and who is meant to leave: the ones who flow with you and continues loving you with ease, and the ones who do love you but gets pushed and pulled by your different waves so swims away.
Just remember that all of this is okay.
you’re gonna be okay